Off late, I have been having lots of feelings and most of them are negative feelings. And one of the most horrible feeling is how I hate to look myself in the mirror.
A brief recap...
Before I got married my weight has always been around 51kg or the most 53kg. I was very active in sports, participating in many activities while I was in school and college. When I joined the work force, I was still active representing my previous company in many sports like tennis, netball and even volleyball. I was a healthier and better looking person before.
That change right after I delivered my baby. I was out of work for nearly 1 year due to health reason and that's when I start gaining all this won't-go-away-weight. I slowly became a 56kg, 57kg then to 60kg and for the last 3 years stuck at 68kg. Even after I was employed again, I was not losing but keep on gaining the weight. I was in and out of diet self made program as well as in and out of gym(more like when I feel like going rather being a consistant visitor of the gym).
But, for the last 2 months, I have developed this sudden depression about my weight. I hate to look at myself in the mirror and hate shopping for clothes(cause the one that I like always comes in small sizes and that really kill my self esteem).
I know you will start judging me, how I should be confident and love myself. How I should be thankful that I am healthy and blesses with so many wonderful things in my life. I am thankful....how I just wish I can be slimmer and then I would be more thankful then ever!
During our last balik kg visit, that finally was the turning point. We have to attend this kenduri which we only knew when we are already in kg. I did not pack any baju kurung with me so my better half and my mom in-law said never mind, I can just go wearing blouse and jeans. So, we went ahead to attend the kenduri...
That's when the aunties of my better half launched this perli2 session. First crime, why am I not in baju kurung. And next was "kenapa tak pinjam baju mak". And then came this most hurtful remark, "Baju mak pun tak muat, gemuk betul tu!". And that's it....I finally had enough....and I begged my better half to take me home.
My better half's family have always been on the slimmer side. All my sis in law's wear size S while I will be lucky to even fit into XXL. Even my biras who is now 7 months pregnant is slimmer than me. In a nutshell, I am the biggest in his family.
My better half is just the sweetest. He keep on telling me how he loves me regardless how I look and how I am beautiful to him, in and out...I know he is just trying to make me feel better...He tried this motivation session again last night, and I responded, "Itu sebab abang tak jumpa lagi a Memey(ala, yg kena tangkap dgn Norman Hakim tu) in your life.Kalau tiba2 ada org mcm Memey ngurat abang, for sure I am not longer beautiful to you"....and out of nothing, I started crying......
Even as I type this entry, tears are rolling down my cheek. I am hungry...Have been eating once a day only during lunch, and usually consuming just sandwich. I have been working out real hard as well. And I am tired....
Tired, depress and still FAT!!!
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12 normalies:
alaaa akak.. cheer up!!! akak still nampak comel apa.. pedulik apa org lain ckp..by the way, MEMEY??? hahahaha.. klaka nyer example akak....dr sedih nak gelak terus..
liza.... i know it is hard.. i was in your shoe once..you know how active i was back in jasin (eh u tau ke...heheh).. n at uni.. masa tu makan apa saje berat will still the same.. but after i took 'the pill' after delivered yaya... minum air lebih sikit je..badan kembang...even when i stopped taking the pill, n tried all sort of diet, including skipping lunch/dinner (this is always not a good idea)...the weight wont go away...sometimes i felt i have put more weight even though i was on diet....until... i started swimming... u can see the result after 1 month... i used to have this obvious pear shape...now bleh kata macam 'hour glass' laaa...i have tried brief walking, jogging... tak jalan...lagi pun i selalu sakit kat ankle and knee..tapi swimming tak rasa sakit2 camtu... except for mula2 tu sakit kepala...sebab u r forcing the heart to work more...controlling ur breathing so forth...so i recommend u to try swimming... it works for me... thats my advise...
Liza
maybe we can meet to discuss on this..
maybe i can help..not trying to sell anything..but it will help u..
insyaallh...
*hugs*
go do something to boost up your endorphin hormon level...you'll feel better
I've been on a diet almost all my life, but somehow this particular one which I started almost more than a year ago seems to work..It's a combination of blood diet and calorie counting. I limit myself to 1500 kcal (more or less) food a day from Mon-Fri. And of course exercise is a must, tak perlu pegi gym ke apa, just brisk walking around neighbourhood. I walk to/fro the office to LRT (about 20min one way)Tapi weekend you MUST binge habis2, kenyang mcm nak rak pun you must force kan diri utk makan all your favourite food and no exercise. Your basal metabolic rate will be upset and you will not reach a plateau like most dieters often do. Trylah..it works for me.
kak.. jgn gitu. take this as a positive challenge. saya pon 'CUTE' hape. mmg le sometimes kita rasa cam 'arghhhhhhhhh tensi', but i always believe no matter how fat we are, we can do something to change it.
maybe apa yg akak try xseswai kot dan mungkin ada cara lain yg lg seswai dan leh turunkan berat ngan cara yg selamat. yg penting, xbg pape pape kemudaratan pd akak.
you better half just telling you the truth. he really loves u in and out. laki yg xsedo diri jek yg suka cari lain. masa NHAKIM ngorat FARAHDHIYA dlu, ABBY tuh kurus hape. tomey jek. kalo mmg dh gatal.. tetap la gatal. xkire wife kurus ke chubby ke kak.
tu kwn2 ramai nk tolong tuh. diorang mesti ada cara yg mungkin seswai utk try. nanti share2 ye kak. nk kuruskan badan gak nih. heee.
cheer up, cheer up sis!
I know you will start judging me, how I should be confident and love myself. How I should be thankful that I am healthy and blesses with so many wonderful things in my life.
tatau nak ckp pe lagi... akak dah baca saya leh ckp pe masa situasi cmni...
just hoping u r ok now...
smile
n meh bagi alamat 'org2 mulut tkde insuran' tuh... nak hantar tulah!
beta mmg pantang org mulut2 laser ni!
If u think u are fat, please have a good look at me.
Just thank Allah that you are healthy... and surrounded with friends.
:)
Life is short, enjoy sambil ingat Allah SWT.
A "Memey" is like the wind, it comes and goes, but a marriage is a rock, never take for granted the better half's sincerity. Thats when the devil seeds doubt in your mind. Subhanallah.... Minta jauh.
akak.. takpe la..if you wanna work out..why not.. tapi jangan la sampai bahayakan diri..
you know.. i just figured yang if am not fasting, i will makan selagi ada.. so, the conclusion is, fasting.. sambil ganti puasa2 tu.. dapat pahala (insyallah) sambil jaga badan..
alhamdulillah it's really works on me walaupun tak la cepat sangat.. janji kita ikhlas untuk suami.. (itu niat kita selalu) coz to me.. suami tu tetap no.1 no matter what.. yang sometimes i myself pun terleka dan lupa..
tapi masih belum terlambat utk perbaiki diri kan? insyallah kalau kita niat utk kebahagian suami dan anak2.. sure Allah will be at hour side.. Allah kan sayang wanita..:) insyallah. janji kita ikhlas kan?
take care ok!
hi..slmt berkenalan..
just jump to your blog thru faz/pazi blog..
saje nak share yg mmg saya pun penah dlm condition tu..lps beranak aritu stick kat 68kg je..
nak diet over2 pun tak bley sbb masa tu menyusu badan..so tunggu baby dah 6mths old baru try makan 'meal replacement'..tak setia makan jgk sbb sabtu/ahad kekadang mkn luar..but manage to reach 58kg before i got pregnant again..hehe..takes dlm 6 bulan la sbb ponteng2 kan hehe..
to all - thanks so much for the support and the tips, i just have to deal with this feelings, it's in me and trying to make it go away...i know i can go through this, i just need sometime to get back to my old self...
*hugs* back to all of you..
ak_0143 - nanti akak bagi lists, ko kasi blasah mereka skit...hahahaha!!!
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