The day I felt like an incompetent mother

I never had a maid. Not that I am against those who have one, but that's just the choices that me and my better half decided. We felt, both of us still can manage the chores and so we decided, not a necessity to have a maid. I am blessed to have a better half who is very hardworking to help me out.

However, like I have mentioned thousand times how workload is really overwhelming nowadays. Most of the time, after I sat down with the cuties to help them with their homework and after I cook dinner, I have to go to my mini office in my room to do office work. I still manage to do some of the housework but not the cleaning part.

Last weekend, I had to make a difficult decision, that is to hire people to clean my house. It's not something I like doing because I felt may be it's a waste of money. Maybe they don't really clean the house up to my expectations. and may be....a whole loads of may be....

But, I know I have to be realistic. There's no way no matter how I juggle, I can do everything.

Alhamdulilah, the decision was really worth it. They did this spring cleaning package where they send 3 people to scrub clean the whole house, from the kitchen to the bathroom to the rooms and halls. Memang berbaloi baloi!!!

After this would be the maintenance part where they will come 4 times a month and clean the house again.

And the good thing is I got to spend my Sunday with my better half and the cuties, talking and playing games in our garden. That makes the spending much more worth it!

The kenduri where the cuties played a big role in helping

Sometimes when I look at my 3 cuties, I smiled and think, "Hey, I'm not such a bad mom after all". Though, I know there's alot of things(berkoyan2 actually) that needs further improvement, but I decided not to be too hard on myself. Deep down inside, I know how much I love them and would do anything for their happiness even at the expense of my own happiness and life. (cukup ler the mother teary moment...moving on.....)

As mentioned in the previous entry, my mom in law had this kenduri back in Batu Pahat last weekend. Yup, last weekend....like you haven't noticed how lembab I am this days in updating my blog. This was one of the moment when I watched my cuties growing up right before my eyes and how responsible they were in helping out during this kenduri.

They were made in charge of packing food to be given away to the guests - this is a tradition for every kenduri organised by my mom in law and later they were helping out to clean up after the kenduri ended. They wanted to eat the lauk kenduri with me, hence don't really mind eating later than every one else.

I know being a working mom sometimes I may have neglected some part of their growing up but never have I want to miss providing them with good values and behaviour. Like none of you have heard, when kids miss behave, people will surely say "Mak bapak dia tak ajar ke". For me, that is totally cliche and I have seen parents who are so well behaved and when you look at their children, tinggal geleng kepala jer kan. What I am trying to say, there's so much the parents can do, but if the children just choose not to follow, tawakkal jer lah.

Remember....

Iman tak dapat diwarisi, dari seorang ayah yang bertakwa.......

Hope everyone had a good weekend!!!

A mother's best friend

Being a mother with 3 school going kids, washing the school uniforms as well as making sure the cuties wash their shoes clean, is a big challenge. Usually, the school uniform will turn from white to assorted colour. And washing them can be detrimental to one's health.

Until I found this. The Clorox Bleach Pen!!! What every mother's need!!!

Now cleaning is much easier. What you need to do is to rub this on the stain and then wash in the machine. But make sure, you wash only with other white clothing. It can also be used on school shoes. Just a dash on the stain and then brush it off.

Price at RM10 tak silap. But, worth the purchase.

And this is just tips from me. Not paid to say this yer....

Decision every mother has to make

Off late I have been contemplating on choices I made for my life. What is best for me and most importantly, what is best for the cuties. And I am not the only one that always have this on my mind. I think this can be best decribed as Mother's Frequently Ask Questions.

I am thinking seriously about the options of working from home. The cuties are getting bigger by day and my princess will be sitting for her UPSR next year. The most rationale thing to do is for me to be more focused on their needs. If something goes wrong, I have no one but my own self to blame.

Catering has always been something I enjoy doing. And I am seriously considering to start this actively again. For a start, by taking orders on Saturdays and Sundays. This can be taxing, but I have to start somewhere....

I am also looking out for opportunities, at least near where we live now. At least, I can be home on time and if required, I can also go home during lunch to check on the cuties. I think that would be awesome.

Don't get me wrong. I am ambitious and want to climb the career ladder. But, in life, there will be choices that we need to make. Choices with the pros and cons. Choices will not only effect your life but the one you love as well.......

My dear normalies, hope you will pray what's best for me. And hope all will turn out find. Doa is one form of tawakkal apart from hard work. And your doa means a lot to me.....

You mothers out there, come and share your experience. Let me know what you think and if you are a working from home mom, please by all means, share that with me.......

Decisions...decisions...Hope I am making the right one....

The day my hero was born

Today is my hero's birthday, yup, the real birthday. He turns 10 today.

My hero's name is Muhammad Ilham Syafiq which means "Yang terpuji, Ilham yang penyayang"

My hero was born at 3am in the morning, the same hospital as my princess and my baby. He was born a week late so I had to be admitted to either be induced or operated. Since I knew the date I will be admitted, I took the opportunity to really eat. I requested for my favourite dishes from my mom and eat like nobody's business. Al-maklumlah, nak kena berpantang lepas nie...


Back track skit, I just delivered my princess 6 months ago when I conceived my hero which of course is not a planned pregnancy. I was worried at that time, financially we were not that stable and my princess was still very small. I consulted my mom who told me, "rezeki di tangan Allah, bukan di tangan akak". That opened my eyes and I was grateful for being able to have kids while some people have difficulty to do so.
My hero was an easy baby to take care of. Just give him 2 bottles(fyi, his bottles were bigger than the normal feeding bottle) after maghrib and he will sleep until 7am the next morning. He was really quiet and rarely cry. He was so obedient and hardly throw a tantrum...

We had difficulty to get him to walk. He felt crawling was much faster for him to move aound hence opted to crawl rather than to even try walking. However, we noticed how strong he is. He was seen one day carrying the small chair while crawling...


And those were the good old days when it was so easy to control him. But, when he entered his 5th year, it was really a challenge to ask him to stay still. And that hyperactive attitude stays till now.


My hero may seems to look like this macho and tough guy. Truthfully, he is more sensitive and have the tendency to cry more than the 2 girls. He loves cooking and he is a good cook as well, something he inherited from my dad.



My hero is my bestfriend. My hero is the person I share my joy and sorrow with. I will be the first person he calls and wishes to talk too should anything happens in his life. He shares his most intimate secrets with me and would never want to see me sad. A very responsible brother who is so protective towards his family and will make sure our needs are being taken care off. However, he just hates it when the sisters refused to listen to him...dictator gak kadang2....

To my hero, Mama loves you very much. My only wish is for him to grow up a good son and a good protecter to the sister. And my his wish to be a scientist will come true and may he be suceessful in future. Jangan luper solat ye sayang!

The 90/10 Rules

I am writing this once and once only. I have to get this out of my chest and move on with this non-working day weekend(as of blog time) which I have been craving for the past one month.

I am one person who don't make excuses for my life. Like for example,if I'm late to work, I'm late to work. I will just apologise for being late and move on. I will not say this and that. I am late and whatever the reason for the lateness, I am still late.

But some people, not only make excuses about their own life,but have the audacity to belittled others life. For example, when you are late,don't try to make excuses like you just lost your maid,or you have 10 children and then quickly shift the gear by saying my life is much easier, I have my parents to help, I have this and that! Just cut the crap!

Didn't you forget to mention I live in the other part of the world which requires me to travel 100km on daily basis, I cook for my parents on daily basis, I prepare take aways for my cuties and I don't have a maid.

But, I have always practise 90/10 rules. 90% of things you can't control, and another 10% things which are beyond my control. For the 10%, we just need to manage it. For example, if you have 10 kids, you can't change that fact, for the love of God,you will still have 10 kids. But, how do you manage this, that's the important stuff. You may have wake up early, you have to prepare for stuff the night before, you have to work extra hard, you may even have to employ 2 maids....you do what you need to,just stop making others life is more fortunate that yours!

I choose to live so much distance from work and that won't change(unless if I plan to move). So I have to manage that. Wake up early,getting just 3-4 hours of sleep a nite, juggling between work and personal...that's the 90% part of my life that I can control so I shall control it! And I am seldom late to work.

So what, my parents takes care of my cuties. They have just started to do this 3 years ago when all my cuties are already schooling. My cuties only stay at their house for max 2 3 hours a day and I won't burden my mom to cook for my cuties.I took care of that! I make sure they have what they need and just need my parents to keep an eye on thec cuties. And that's that!

So, before you start judging my life to cover up your incompetencies...just stop, think and be honest with yourself....can you manage and do what I do...

That said, have a good weekend everyone!

Tasbih Fatimah

Got this from Ina's blog and thought of sharing this tips. I have yet to try it and will start tonight, Insyallah...

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I'm sure there are times that we feel really exhausted during the day due to house chores, office work etc, right? Feeling exhausted that u feel like lazing around and not doing anything. I just want to share this with u. It's called Tasbih Fatimah.

Tasbih Fatimah.

Here's what u have to do:

1. Before u sleep, do the adab tido first. Do u know the adab tido? Ok very briefly => recite Al-fatihah, the 3 surah Qul (blow it on ur palms and rub ur whole body ; this is to prevent being sihir-ed/ santau-ed during the slumberland) and Ayat Qursi (3 times ; to prevent from unwanted things such as kebakaran, kecurian etc to happen while u r sleeping)

2. Recite Bismillah (21 times)

3. Now come the Tasbih Fatimah.

Recite :

a) Subhannallah (33 times)

b) Alhamdulillah (33 times)

c) Allahuakhbar (34 times)

4. Then, u can sleep.The tasbih fatimah was actually practised by Saidina Fatimah r.a. She was a very good wife in which she did all the house chores by herself. And during that time, there's no blender, rice cooker etc. Everything was to be done manually. She had to carry buckets of water for the home supply. So, all these jobs made her feel easily tired. One day, she came to see Rasulullah (pbuh) and complained about it. As a dear father, he said all the good things and values for what she had done for the husband. Berkhidmat untuk suami besar pahalanya provided that dengan hati yang ikhlas. Then, Rasulullah asked Fatimah to practice the Tasbih Fatimah and he also mentioned that reciting the Tasbih Fatimah will not make her feeling tired.Jadi, apa-apa amalan yang kita buat, kita kenalah yakin.

Ini juga adalah pesanan Rasulullah. Setiap kata-kata Rasulullah itu adalah dr Allah swt.Renung-renungkan dan selamat beramal :-)

What should I tell her?

Yup, of course the answer is to tell her the truth. I know that. So, let me rephrase the question, how should I tell her...hmmm, what's her question again, and who is the her we are talking about?

Yesterday, on the way back from work, my princess asked me about what will happen to her if she "datang bulan" and is it painful? I nearly choked my own sliver and did not see this one coming.

Apparently, one of her good friend got her period last week so that's is why she become so curious about it. Being a mom who always think that my daughter is still this very small little girl that I still can carry and cuddle, I have yet to prepare myself with this kind of questions. And I don't have any experience about this kind of thing.

My better half told me to just tell her what my mom told me. The problem is when I got my period, I was in my hostel in a boarding school and away from my mom. Hence, I handled this myself with the help of few friends of course. Still recall them putting warm water in a bottle and then placed it on my tummy to ease the cramp.

So, back to the question, how should I tell her this. What is the right way to tell her? How can I make her understand the responsibilities once you have your period and the repercussions if you don't take care of yourself.

It's tough being a mom...and just when people think it gets easier when the children are all grown up (at least that's what people keep telling me, "ko senang lah, anak dah besar2), wait till this children grow up, then they will finally know how I feel....

What's my priority

I took the day off, I am not well and haven't been well for the past 2 days. Couldn't even walk properly the day before....

But being a mom, even when you are not well, you'll still need to perform your duties as a mom. And today, that's what I need to do.

Early morning, I have to attend to the cuties prize giving ceremony at their school. All of them, again made me proud.

Then, I have to settle the cuties school transfer from KJ to BSP. Need to do this very quick before the new school is full.

Now, at home, just done with some cleaning and doing some clothes folding as high as 10 person clothes worn for a week. While doing that, watching the air cond man installing the air conditioner in the cuties rooms.

I have been thinking about career shift for the past 2 weeks. Not so much about not liking where I work currently, more about choosing a place to work which allow me to go back on time and not having to bring my work home. I need to be focused on the cuties. They are growing up faster than I could ever imagine and with all the social issues going on, if I'm not careful, we could be effected as well.

Tomorrow, I will be interviewing a potential candidate to take care of the cuties, more like a non-live in maid. I don't like the idea the cuties to be sent to nursery, I think they don't like the idea too. And thanks nad and lil^red for helping me in my continious search.

My children are everything to me. Yup, all mothers say that...I work hard for them but by working hard will be a hinderance for me to be spending more time with them, I guess it's time for career shift.My princess will be in her UPSR year in one year time and that's not too far away...

I'm setting my priorities right...and I need to do it real quick before it's too late!

Alarming news

Got this article in thestar.com.my. I find this very alarming and scary. Am I part of the statistics??

Parents spend daily average of eight minutes with children

TAMIL Nesan reported that a survey on Malaysian parents revealed that they spent an average of just eight minutes a day with their children. Family analyst Dr. D.S. Nadesan, who conducted the survey, warned that this trend would greatly affect the family organisation. He said fast lifestyles, the need to financially sustain the family and work problems were the reasons parents spent less time with their children. Dr. Nadesan added it was important parents spent at least 20 minutes a day with their children, showing their love and earning their trust, as this was the foundation for a good family organisation.

Need to reshift the angle. Planning something right now. Hope this will be materialised for the sake of my cuties!!!

Listening vs Hearing

One of the mandatory competency skill set being a mother is the listening skill. Chewah, that sounded like me doing my HR competency presentation...

Moving on, and why do I say that.

Today, my princess wanted to join this overnite trip organised by her school to one of the waterfall resort in Bentong. Duration is 3 days 2 nite - can you believe it, nowadays rombongan sekolah for standard 4 kids are like a family vacation.....

Using my parent perogative, of course the answer is blunt NO! Don't you read the newspaper about kids drowning during this type of excursion.....and further more, she is only standard 4, don't you think that's too young....

So, when she called me while I was at work, I could have just say that NO! But instead I told her we'll talk about it when I'm back home later in the evening. I then called my better half and of course he concur my decision.

However, this is where you can spot the difference between a mother and a father. The moment my better half arrived home, he immediately told my princess he violently object to her request even without listening what she want to say. No wonder whenever my better half requested for explanation about anything from her, she would just say, "Alah, kalau kakak cakap papa takkan paham".

It's time for the mama to step in. After I served dinner, bath and perform my prayers, I was about to send her to bed...and I called her to sit on my lap(which reminds me, she is not getting any lighter). I asked her to explain to me about the trip. She then went on explaining that even families can come along. And the most responsible reply from a mother will be " let me think about it and we'll talk about it further"

This is the difference between listening and hearing. When you hear, it will like entering one ear to another. But when you listen, it will enter via your ear, to your brain, to your heart then you verbalise it....

So, listen to your kids not just hear them...

What is the right way?

As I am writing this from my berry, I have loads of mixed feelings in me. Frustration, anger, sadness, guilt...all happening at one time...

Many told me, I am so lucky that the cuties have grown up and can take care of themselves...in comparison when the kids are smaller, no diapers to be changed, no milk to prepare, having a more peaceful meals as they can feed themselves...

I beg to differ!!

You have to go through both phase before you can make a conclusion...otherwise, the grass is always greener at the other side of the fence.

It never got easier. The first 5 years you may be physically exhausted but as they get older, you will require to have both mental and physical strength.

How I wish things can get simpler. How I wish they can just listen to me without having to repeat myself until I sounded like a broken tape recorder. How I wish there is a manual that I can refer to...maybe parenting for dummies...

Exam results does not improve much, attitude is no better. My hero was about to pick a fight with boys older than him before my better half stop this, my baby scratched her ustazah's car cause she was not happy with the ustazah's son for scratching my dad's car, my princess keep on asking for branded stuff just because her friends have them.

Should I spank them? Should I keep on nagging? Should I tell them they are grounded, no TV, no going out to shopping mall, no entertainment!!!

Lots of questions, no answer...

I think I'll lie down for a while...

Who's the parents now??

I wanted to write about this for so long but I am afraid as some people may be offended and may think who am I to judge them, but when this kind of thing keep on happening right in front my eyes, I guess I just have too..

Please be cautioned that this posting is not intended to offend those who chose to have a maid nor it is to tell people I am great just because I choose not to have one. It was my personal choice and I have nothing against those who do have maids. I still believe it's a matter of choice, but read this thoroughly, you'll see where I am coming from.

Yup, we have no maid. We raised all my 3 kids whom are now 10, 9 and 7 years old since they were born, juggling between career and family, with all the hectic scheduling and all. However, this was a choice that we have to made considering we are so afraid of all the horror that we heard about maids. And of course I heard people telling me I am lucky that I have my parents to take care of my kids. That's where they are wrong.

My parents do take care of my kids but only recently, in early 2007 to be exact. Prior to that, we sent the cuties to daycare. My mom retired 2005 and has been begging me to take care of the cuties but I declined cause I wanted her to enjoy retirement life with my dad who retired 4 years earlier. Late 2006, my mom insisted to be the one taking care of the cuties, at that time they were 9, 8 and 6 respectively. She was so bored and so did my dad. Considering the cuties are all grown up, I accepted the offer. That's because they will be spending 2 hours with my mom, there rest of the day, they would either be in school or religious class. Safe to say, my mom's house would only be the transit place for them to have lunch, quick shower and zohor prayer. So, for those who said to me "you senanglah, anak2 mak jaga", maybe you would like to rephrase that statement...

Anyway, back to the reason of this posting...

Experience No 1

I was at a clinic, my hero was having a high fever. While waiting, there was this mother with his son and a maid. His son looked very weak, couldn't even walk. The mom looked trendy, with nice clothes, good make up and very nice Coach handbag. What makes me sad, instead of the mother carrying the sick son, she walked in front and the maid was the one doing the consoling and the carrying. The maid was also the one giving him water while the mom was reading the newspaper...so who's the parents now!

Experience No 2

In a shopping mall, a family of 3, the mom, the dad and the daughter about 5 years old, with the maid. The dad was busy on the phone, mom was busy eating and maid was busy feeding the girl. The girl was telling stories to the maid, just like the kind of conversation that I usually have with the cuties. So, who's the parents now!

Experience No 3

Remember the entry about my baby getting her jap. While I was at the registration counter, there were 3 person at the other counter, a boy, about 5 years old, a girl, about 6 years old and an Indonesian maid. She gave the counter clerk the medical record number. It has always been a practise for the hospital to counter check against the date of birth to ensure that the records are in order. When asked that question, the maid replied "Enggak tau buk, tidak diberikan majikan". So, the clerk asked the girl and she was sooo shy and was hiding behind the maid. Of course, the next logical question to asked was, where is the parents? My jaw dropped when I hear the reply from the maid "Puan pergi ke pasaraya, bapak bada di kantor, saya disuruhi membawa anak berjumpa doktor". So, who's the parents now!

It is ok to have a maid, I may opt to have one in the future, you never know. But, maids are supposed to be the one helping with the house chores, maybe babysit. I don't think a maid should be the one raising the children, or acting as the parents. How many hours a day do you actually spend with your kids, the max I would say 5 hours before everyone goes to bed...and maybe the weekends...Is that soo long?

You may not see the impact now, but wait till the children grow up and of course, we grow old. They may love their caretaker more and may treat you like how they were treated. And when they do that, I think it is a bit too little to aske....So, who's the parents now!

Interesting article on parenting

Saw this article in thestar.com.my
Maybe can try it out though it can be easier said than done, but no harm trying....


No fighting
Child
wise

By RUTH LIEW

There will be moments when parents and children disagree with one another. Instead of letting this disagreement get out of control and lead to a worse scenario, parents can consider taking a step back.
When there is no opponent, the child will not fight or keep up his argument. No one is defeated or victorious. More importantly, the child learns how to turn something negative into something positive.
Most family battles are fought during mealtimes and bedtime. Parents who insist their preschoolers eat properly at designated times often find themselves in conflict with their children.
One day, as I was going out, I turned to my neighbour’s house and saw her youngest child, a six-year-old with a bowl in her hands, eating away under the hot sun.
My neighbour told me that she had sent her daughter out to eat her lunch after failing to coax her several times to finish her meal without talking and wasting time.
She tried threatening her daughter with the cane if she did not finish all her food. That did not work. So this time, she decided this was the best way to get her to eat without talking.
When preschoolers fight with their parents, their immediate goal is to gain power. The six-year-old who got sent out of the house with her bowl of rice firmly stood her ground.
She would not behave at the table. She displayed her ability to do as she wanted and engaged her mother in battle.
She managed to stop everyone from eating lunch, too. While she ate outside the house, her mother, grandmother and sister stood at the door to watch her. This was sheer power gained on her part.
There are several approaches to this problem. The parent can remove herself from the conflict situation. Instead of constantly nagging her child to eat, the mother can start the mealtime by telling her how long she has to complete her meal.
Once time is up and the food has not been finished, the table will be cleared without a word. The child may have to wait until tea-time or dinner before she can fill her stomach.
To avoid a power struggle, parents can also carry out what they want their children to do firmly without fussing over them. If you want your child to go to bed, just take him by the hand and lead him to the bedroom to change into his pyjamas.
Do so without paying attention to any form of whining or protest from your child. Eventually, your child will know that you mean business at bedtime.
When your child starts to whine or seek attention for his misbehaviour, you can walk away without talking. Go to a place in the house where you can have some personal time for a retreat.
Do so every time your child chooses to act up instead of using positive behaviour to get your attention. By physically removing yourself from a potential conflict with your child, you are teaching him that you will only deal with reasonable demands and positive behaviour.
When my girls were preschoolers, I would remove the object they were both fighting over without a word. I would take it with me to my “time-out place” until their screaming stopped. When all was well, I would then make my appearance.
Before things get out of hand, parents can choose to take a step back. This way, when children find themselves in a non-confrontational situation, they will stop acting up because they find it is futile.
When parents choose to withdraw from conflicts with their children, this means that they will only partake in reasonable and positive interaction with their children.
If their children are unreasonable and using negative ways to get what they want, they will not be able to get it. If this withdrawal from potential conflicts with children is practised in the home, the child will soon learn that the only way to get attention is to show cooperation and not fight with his parents.
I remember my second daughter when she was only four years old, telling her father: “You can tell me in a nice way. You do not have to scold me. I will listen to you.”
Her words reflected the many times I had told her to use nice words to let me know what she wanted. Whenever she threw a temper tantrum, I would leave the spot and keep a distance until she calmed down. Later, when everything is over, I would cuddle her or read her a story.
Telling children to behave when they are misbehaving has very little effect on them. When they choose to engage in a battle, they will not listen to any advice. Parents who choose to cooperate with their children when they are not fighting can make a difference in how they interact with other people.
Children will learn that it is the right thing to do when they walk away from their friends who challenge them.